Journey to the Beast's Castle

My brother and I drove to the Magic Kingdom on Sunday to explore the new areas of Fantasyland. After a couple of hours, we were dying of hunger. Unlike Austin, food in the Magic Kingdom suffers under a curse of mediocre food. It makes even hamburgers taste like soggy newspaper.

Even if we weren't excited by the food, starvation still demands eating. We had only one shred of hope: we heard a tale of one dining hall that beat the curse. We crossed our fingers and set out to visit it in Beast's Castle.

The tale also said that the castle had traded one curse for another. One dark night, it's prince was rude to a witch. She turned him into a shaggy beast, and his servants into an ensemble of enchanted kitchen utensils and gadgets. Always use your best manners when witches visit!

We were too hungry to worry ourselves with such nonsense. One curse I can believe, but two stretches credibility.

We started near the border of the Enchanted Forest, where a small town lives in the shadow of the Beast's Castle. I would call this town peaceful and pretty, but it seems to celebrate drinking beer (or is it a kind of soda?) and throwing things as it's only recreational pastimes. The local tavern is thorny with poorly-aimed darts and arrows, the work of the champion drunk, Gaston. He must occasionally hit an unlucky badger or deer during celebrations because mounted animal heads cover the walls. Partying is so celebrated that the fountain in the town square immortalizes the local drinking team. I didn't get a photo of the town because I was too busy photographing the view of Beast's Castle.

The castle rests alone atop a picturesque mountain, but the trip took far less effort than appearances suggest. From the spot where I took the photo above, it was only a few dozen steps to the castle entrance. I can only think of explanation for the short trip: magic. This was our first hint that the tales of two enchantments might be true. Hopefully we would eat lunch, not be lunch for a beast.

This scary creature guarded the bridge across the castle moat. When you see lots of skinny princes and princesses roaming a kingdom it says "bad food". This guy looks well fed. Heck, he even looks like he goes to the gym.

The line to enter the castle stretched the entire length of the bridge and more. We talked to a servant who confirmed we were looking at food line. The servant also mentioned that lunch service would probably end in thirty minutes. We were both famished, so we got in line and crossed our fingers that it would move fast.

We witnessed many more activities at the castle that only magic can explain. Empty suits of armor chattered and snored in the hall outside the ballroom, and stone statues like the cheerful fellow above grimaced under the weight of the walls. The food line even moved with magical speed.

We ordered food by simply touching a magical menu, and the serving staff (who were not in fact enchanted kitchen utensils) found us with the aid of a magic rose we carried. Even the climate seemed magical: outside the castle the weather was warm and bright but the view from the ballroom looked permanently dark and snowy.

My brother and I shared a croque monsieur and a grilled steak sandwich with pommes frites. We also tried a French onion soup. We found the food quite enjoyable. The curse had been lifted and the kingdom saved from flavorless dining. The preparation wasn't perfect, but it easily beat every mean I've ever had in the Magic Kingdom. If only the crostini in the soup was still crunchy when it arrived, the food would have been dumbfounding. My days of eating a Publix sub in the Disney parking lot are over.

As for the cursed prince turned beast, we found convincing evidence. One of the halls has been wrecked with inhuman strength. Tapestries and paintings appear torn as if by giant claws. Along one wall of that room there is a dark shrine sheltering a glowing, floating rose, see above. This can only be the rose from the stories, said to measure out the term of the Beast's curse.

Despite the curses and enchantments, the experience was enjoyable and we left quite happy. No beasts or witches ate us, and lunch didn't taste like greasy Styrofoam peanuts. Also, the castle looked beautiful and enchanted just like the stories told. If you need to eat in the Magic Kingdom, you'll probably have a good time here.